I am in a complete overwhelming panic.
I leave the clinic where I just found out that I'm 7 weeks pregnant. Its 1981 and I'm 17 years old and in my senior year of high school. My 19 year old boyfriend of 2 years is in college and we are at a loss as to what to do. He explains to me that if his parents find out he will lose his money for college. I was scared of what my father would say and how my mother would cry. So we decide that no one can know. We can't have a child because we are too young, don't have jobs and have no idea how we would survive. So we schedule an appointment that would get rid of this problem.
We cried on the way to the clinic, and I asked him if we could find another way. After all, he had been adopted, so why couldn't do the same for this child? The answer was no, because of college money. And our parents can never find out. We had to borrow some money from a friend and figured this was the best solution. I was now 8 weeks along with no idea of what was going to happen.
We went into the clinic, filled in all the paperwork and just as it was my turn, a nurse came into the waiting room and announced there had been a chemical accident and they would have to reschedule. We looked at each other and weren't sure what we were supposed to do. They rescheduled us for the following week but told me that I was getting close to the cut off of 10 weeks so they scheduled me early. Another week of crying, worrying, feeling sick and waiting. I was miserable, but put on a good face and no one seemed to know.
Little did I know then that God had intervened to save that child...if only I had realized it.
The following week, my boyfriend picked me up at school and we drove to our appointment. I asked one last time if there was any other way, and was declined. We went back to the clinic and waited. I was led into the room and was all prepped for the procedure. I was so scared. I was crying and started throwing up before the procedure. The doctor told me to relax, and gave me some medication to help me calm down. I was laying there thinking, "I'm killing my baby...I'm killing this innocent child". I really just wanted to scream and run out to get away from this place. But instead I kept quiet and let the Dr do his job. This was the easy choice. This was also the choice that would haunt me and lead me down a very destructive road.
He began the procedure and it was very uncomfortable...a lot of pain, pulling and pressure. I knew I was actually losing a child but it was done and over with rather quick. They took me to recovery and I laid there and cried. It took me a while to calm down, but eventually I did. The clear reality was that I had just aborted a 9 week old baby. My own flesh and blood. I was so so sad and ashamed.
When I went home, I told my mom I had period cramps and wanted to lay down. I slept for the rest of the day and ended up sick the next day as well. This was normal due to endometriosis so she didn't give it a second thought. When I went back to school, I had a note from the woman's center that I could not participate in gym class. The PE teacher took me aside and asked me if I was OK. I said I was fine, just had a procedure done. She nodded with understanding and checked in on me everyday. She asked me if I needed to talk to anyone, and I said no, and my brain was asking itself 'who can I tell'? Who would even care? The bottom line was that I couldn't tell anyone. I wanted to but I didn't. Little did I know, I was in for the severe repercussions. I know I'm not the only woman who has felt this way. My entire life changed after this choice. I would never be the same.
Over time, I told my parents. They were devastated. I actually took joy in seeing my father cry. He was not a kind father. He had his own issues and I just stayed away from him as much as I could. But watching him cry gave me satisfaction that I had just hurt him as deeply as he had hurt me. I was told by him I was a disappointment and couldn't be trusted. I felt like trash that was blowing around the streets with no direction. No thought was given by anyone around me that I was mourning the loss of a life that I had taken and was very depressed. All they felt was I was just a lost child and no good. My brain was a mess and I didn't know how to feel better. So I turned to alcohol and drugs as my relief. It was the only way to temporarily kill the pain and shame.
I was experiencing so much guilt, sadness, self hatred and a lot of anger. Over time my parents thought it was a good idea to see a counselor. After many months I was diagnosed with a personality disorder and depression. I was using a lot of escape mechanisms and mentally checking out of my own mind. In my mind I was just trying to get to graduation. A fresh start somehow. I wasn't living, I was completely lost. Guilt has a way of eating away at our common sense and the enemy (Satan) tries to convince us that we are not good enough for anyone, let alone God, and our life is worthless. i believed that lie.
At the end of my senior year, I made a suicide attempt but was found by my friend who took me home and put me to bed. My parents were away on business and she was staying with me. They liked her because she was a good girl. I swore her to secrecy and I never told the parents about it. I'm grateful for her every time I think about those days. God surely had me in the palm of His hands. I just didn't realize it.
Fast forward a few years:
I was asked to go to a concert with a friend and it sounded cool so i went. That evening I heard the invitation I had encountered many times in my life. But this time it was different. I wanted to get rid of the weight of the guilt and shame I had carried. I ran down that isle and accepted Jesus into my heart. I knew I was forgiven, but the sadness remained. I had some people pray with me and when my eyes were closed in prayer, I saw a dirty ugly heart turn from stained blackness to a beautiful brilliant white and I knew the guilt and shame were gone. I had peace. I cried and thanked God for this miracle. He saw me, He heard me and He delivered me. It was a new life and I have been free from those weights since then.
If you are someone who has gone through this same horrible choice, I want you to know that there is love and forgiveness in Jesus. I have friends who have gone through the pain of abortion and felt no guilt at all. On the other hand I have talked to many more women who share my story...the sadness, the guilt, the isolation and emotional trauma. I have been able to speak to many young women who have gone through having an abortion and spoken about Gods love and forgiveness, even in this situation.
I've heard the word 'termination' used too many times because it makes the act more clinical. I refuse to use it. I made a choice to take a life that had endless possibilities. The only peace that comes with my choice is that she/he is in eternity with Jesus and I'll meet them someday. I also know Jesus has forgiven me. He wants me to use this story as one of victory over my poor choices and show He gives complete forgiveness. He brings peace and light because He is Peace and Light...He is Hope.
Even this situation had a happy ending...because I am a child of God and will be with Him in Glory some sweet day.
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