Onward with the topic of forgiveness...
It is easy for me to type the words about forgiveness of others, but it is much more difficult to actually choose to forgive. At the same time, once forgiveness is established and decided upon, the next step is living it out day by day.
Let's be honest...who hasn't been hurt by the words or actions of others? Think of people who have hurt you, put you down, abused or neglected you both physically and/or emotionally. It's ugly right? Is it someone who is still in your life, or someone who has perhaps moved on or passed away? None of it is easy and most can do damage.
Trauma defined: a deeply distressing or disturbing experience (Oxford). Of course some trauma is worse than others, but to the people who have experienced any kind of trauma, which is pretty much everyone, it leaves it's mark.
There are three kinds of trauma:
Acute Trauma
Acute trauma results from a single incident.
Chronic Trauma
Chronic trauma is repeated and prolonged such as domestic violence or abuse.
Complex Trauma
Complex trauma is exposure to varied and multiple traumatic events, often of an invasive, interpersonal nature. (Missouri Early Connections)
So we are talking about actions that damage people. Sometimes it is long term and sometimes not. I could write a whole blog on trauma (I still might) because the effects it has on our brain and body is fascinating, but that will have to come in another writing. Understanding why we sometimes behave the way we do can often be traced back to some kind of trauma in your life. But I digress...lets get back to forgiving others.
Since we all have experienced trauma in one way or another, the people that caused the trauma may or may not have asked for forgiveness. If they have asked and you have forgiven them, good on ya! Well done! If not, then there are steps that need to be taken for you to be rid of the offense. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can open the door for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. It can also take you from a place of suffering to a place of acknowledging your emotions about the harm done to you and how they affect your behavior, and work to release them.
"But if I have been abused or abandoned, how do I forgive the person who did this to me?", you ask? This is a complex question and once again it comes down to a matter of choice. Forgiveness of abusers does not include them apologizing or asking for forgiveness. Generally there doesn't need to be any interaction at all. It is your choice to decide to forgive for your own peace of mind. There does not need to be mutual reconciliation between the victim and abuser. If you choose to forgive your abuser, it is because you are choosing freedom from the pain, shame, low self esteem and poor self image. You are choosing LIFE!
You are choosing the FREEDOM of LETTING GO!
Forgiveness is not easy, (I know, I keep saying that, but it's true) but no matter how badly you have been hurt, the ability to forgive definitely brings a healing balm to your own wounds and a newfound strength to overcome your pain, regardless of how it impacts your abuser. Again, I will reiterate that forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. You may never forget what happened to you. Just because you forgive someone, that does not mean you gain amnesia. But it does mean you are not defined by it anymore.
In my own life, I have had to forgive some abusive people; my father, my first husband and a former high school boyfriend. Over time you will hear these stories, but today I will talk about my father.
My father was an abusive man. My older siblings got the brunt of his rage both verbally and emotionally. He was also more physically abusive with them. But he mostly used his words to tear them down, and for me it was the same. But unlike them, he ignored me more than paid attention to me. He was relentless with them...endless picking and making them feel like they were worthless. With me, it was like I didn't exist until I got into trouble or did something wrong. Feeling nonexistent had it's advantages, but not feeling loved or nurtured caused me to seek relationships that met that need, and these relationships were often toxic. I developed self-destructive, attention seeking behaviors and managed to get into a lot of trouble. Some would say I was just being rebellious, but I was filled with rage and hatred toward him. I was damaged inside. He was an unkind man who rarely told me he loved me but never hesitated to call me trash or a whore and I just couldn't understand why he didn't like me. I knew he didn't love me.
After becoming an adult I looked into therapy. After some time, I made a decision to forgive his miserable self. It was a long road and it was not an easy decision. But to be free of his hold over me while recognizing that I was not trash, or a whore and was actually loved beyond measure by my God, no matter what I had done, I forgave him. Many years later, I eventually said it to him when he was close to his death. He yelled at me and told me I was an ungrateful bitch (at this time he had Alzheimer's so he was twice as verbally abusive as before) and I just laughed because I knew that his words no longer meant anything. They were just dust in the wind. I hoped that he heard me somewhere in his caustic soul and realized that he didn't have any power over me anymore. It made me pity him and feel sorry that he didn't have any real joy in his life; Only anger and bitterness...which is sad. The forgiveness extended to me in Jesus has enabled me to forgive my father. The weight is GONE! God is GOOD!
That is my simple story of forgiveness. I didn't have it as bad as many others, but there was still cause for forgiveness. And today I am free. I have chosen to forgive him as Jesus has forgiven me. AGAIN: not an easy choice. I can tell you with certainty it is one that will help you be free of the hold that has kept you from fulfilling your destiny. Somewhere there is someone that needs to hear your story. God won't waste your story; He will use it to help someone else come out of their darkness and into His forgiveness and light. Don't be afraid...Let it go.
Next up: Forgiving yourself. That one is a bit more complicated... stay tuned.
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