Addiction...we see it everywhere and many have experienced it, either thru themselves or loved ones.  Either way, it stinks.  I'd like to share my journey with you with hopes that it will help anyone who reads it to make better choices. It's not pretty and it wasn't easy but God stepped in and delivered me from myself and I am grateful.

Toxic relationships based on insecure hearts can lead you down a slippery road.  That was where i was stuck.  I was in a relationship that I thought would be a lifetime of security and love, but over time I was mistaken and as a result I made some terrible choices.  The stress and tension of having to make choices I knew were wrong was overwhelming but i was committed to make things work.

I considered myself a Christian woman who loved Jesus, went to church and was involved in activities and outreach work. I was divorced from my first husband and had been in a relationship with a nice Christian man for about 7 years.  Things were really fun and we were in love.  My children were OK with it when they were younger but as they got older, not so much.   He and I had plans for so many adventures, and when my kids were with their father, I would go and travel all over the place with him.  Sometimes we would all go and it was usually really fun!  This was all good until I realized that he really wasn't fond of my kids.  The older they got the worse he was.  I really wanted this relationship to grow into something permanent, but I wasn't about to sacrifice my kids for my own comfort. He was well off and I struggled financially for years.  He helped me when I needed it, both emotionally and financially.  This is when the anxiety started.  I had allowed him to shape me into the kind of woman he wanted me to be and not be myself.   It was the kind of anxiety that made me cry and feel like my heart was in a vice.  When driving to work every morning I would have crying fits and panic attacks and couldn't figure out why.  It was terrible.  Anyone who has experienced debilitating anxiety can relate.  So I made an appointment to see a doctor and find out what was wrong with me.

I went to see Dr P (we will keep all names out of this) and he diagnosed me with an Anxiety Disorder.  If you have read other stories on here about my past you know I was diagnosed with a personality disorder at age 18.  God had delivered me from that disorder but it seems I was back where I started, but with a different problem.  It wasn't my first go round with anxiety, as during my first marriage I had been on 2 antidepressants, an anti-psychotic, an anti anxiety medication and something to calm my stomach from all medications.  My first husband was an addict/alcoholic/narcissist and was only about himself.  Even after he sobered up he would always be too busy to spend time with us or be asleep.  After 13 years I had had enough and filed for divorce.  Once I divorced him I was able to come off all of the medication one at a time...and enrolled in college to get a degree.

I had continued to live medication free for quite a few years after being off those meds until this new relationship turned a sharp corner and was apparently more than I could handle.  As a result, Xanax had become my best friend and comforter.  God had gone by the way side as I struggled to keep my head above the water of anxiety.  It was a horrible time and I felt like I was drowning.

Every time i would go see Dr P., he would increase the medication dosage because it wasn't enough to keep me calm.  Every month when I would go for a check up and get a higher dosage and that would work for a little while but then the anxiety would rise and I was struggling to function.  I realized one night that a nice glass of wine or a shot or two of tequila would take the edge off completely for a little while.  Dr P recommended therapy and I agreed because I know things were not good at all.  I had two children to take care of and needed to get my head together.  I found a wonderful Therapist who helped me mend my heart a bit but I was still having anxiety and Dr P kept raising the dosage.  It was definitely a slippery slope I had created.

The final blow to our relationship was when he told me that if we were to marry, my children weren't going to be living with us.  I remember my jaw dropping wide open with disbelief and I asked, " are you telling me that I have to make a choice between you and my children?", and he said yes.  Needless to say I chose my children!  They were so happy when we split up!  I was heartbroken but relieved that the stress of the relationship was over.

About 4-6 months went by and I was in therapy and still struggling with anxiety and alcohol, which didn't make sense to me because I thought I was free from the cause. I was drinking more than I realized and taking higher doses and was still a mess!  The panic attacks were getting worse.  I was smoking cigarettes to feel calm for a bit and that got out of hand as well.  I just wanted some PEACE!!!!!!!  How can I find Peace?????

My therapist was watching me disintegrate and she told me I needed to check into a rehab and get myself cleaned up.  I thought she was crazy!  How could I do that?  What about my kids?  What about my job? There was no way I was doing that!  Until one night...

I was a lead singer in a cover band and one night I was pretty messed up at a rehearsal.  I had been taking Xanax and I had been drinking way too much tequila and I decided I needed to go home.  I was so messed up and could hardly see. I don't know how I got home on my own.  But I knew that night I had gone too far. I was feeling suicidal and losing my mind and realized knew it was time for some help. I called my sister and she came and picked me up and took me to a hospital which transferred me to a Rehab Facility that dealt with mental illness and addiction.  I had no idea what was in front of me or what this was going to be like.  But I am so glad i made that decision.

After I arrived I was still really out of it and was given some medication to help me sleep and start detox.  The next day I was in line for medication, and told them I really felt strange.  They asked what medication I had been taking and I told them Xanax.  The male nurse said "OH NO, we have given her the wrong detox medication!".  I panicked and cried because I was so scared of this whole process and was in a terrible state of mind. I was so confused and scared.  I was then informed that the more Xanax I take the more I need and that it can actually make the anxiety worse!!!  Why didn't Dr P. tell me this?  This information made me so angry!  I ended up sleeping for another day and a half but when I woke up I feeling a lot better.  My head was clear and my body didn't feel like it had been run over by a truck anymore. I figured that was a step in the right direction.  🙂

After my stay I went home and was so glad to see my kids and talk to them.  They were a little freaked out but were still loving and glad I was home.  I went back to church and I began going to Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings in town and found them to be useful at first.  But over time I became aware of the fact they were all stuck in the same place.  So I went to an addiction group at church and that was a better fit.  In that group one night,  I heard a message that gave me exactly what I needed to hear.  It was simple but profound.  It goes like this: "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11).  This was exactly what I needed.  I needed to be reminded of that.  It had been a long time since I had heard something from God, but that really kicked me in the backside.  At that moment, I was permanently delivered from addiction and have never gone back. His Grace set me free!  It was truly a miracle. God had a plan and a future for me!

I don't go to meetings anymore because the desire has gone away completely.  I stayed with that group for about 6 months but realized that I was truly free.  I am grateful for all I learned and even more grateful that I have been able to leave that life!  It has been almost 15 years since this all went down and I'm happy to say that the only medication I take now is for high cholesterol!  Go figure!

Gods Mercy NEVER FAILS!!!  His Grace is unending! There is freedom from addiction and sin in Jesus!

If you haven't found peace in Jesus yet, I recommend that you scroll down to "Choose to Step Up" and get to know Him better!  You won't regret it.

Choose to Step Up